When I Grow Up, I Want To Be

You have said it yourself, haven't you? You bet I had too? Well, I wish I had.

I could still recall how envious I was every time I happened to witness some Kindergarten Commencement Exercises when I was young. It seemed to me that being able to enroll and graduate in a kindergarten was some kind of a luxury I never had.

How I wished I was able to line up alongside the shy kids on their many-form-white-caps-and-gowns, clumsily approach the microphone and even nervous would proudly tell the world I also want to become somebody someday. I just thought it was so cool! And yet, there's some truth to it when we hear people say dreams are only meant to be dreamt of and wish to be wished for.

Remember I said I was envious, but I never had anything against those deserving kids receiving their ribbons and medals every recognition day. I had a lot of them in my mother's treasury divider. I was always a top student.

My innocent grudge solely lied on the fact I had no kindergarten experience and therefore had no chance to say, "When I grow up, I want to be a teacher!" The innocent girl in me always believed that when one fulfills what he or she said what he / she wanted to be upon kindergarten graduation, is when he/she is already a real grownup person - when one outgrows school!

However, as I grow in age, I began to wonder just how many among those young kids either speaking up their minds or speaking the words put on their mouths really meant what they said, let alone understood what that meant.

As for me though, I always knew what I wanted to be - or so I thought! When my educational institution was only consist of a charcoal for a chalk, a wooden wall for a chalkboard, and my Mamang for the overall teaching force taking the loads for writing, reading, counting, singing, acting and a little of almost everything but drawing; I knew I only wished to be like her and also my father.

Born with both parents into pastorate and farming at the same time, at a tender age, I was convinced my parents were the best people in the world! Exposed only to Bible stories, I had little or no idea of "happily ever afters" or "rags-to-riches" stories in fairytales both in TV and print.

No wonder the only characteristics I wanted to emulate were those of my parents and of the Bible characters. Needless to say, my tender heart believed that my parents were the most beautiful and most wonderful real human beings walking the earth.

But those days were long gone. When I started going to a real public school, with a bigger classroom and blackboard, with students more than what 'many' meant to me then - very many I once had to bend on my knees to write on a paper laid flat on a dusty floor.

Even at first grade, I had been under several teachers, all of them held out long sticks while leading us through the readings on the board, some of them spoke good English, a few wrote nicely, and one of them occasionally threw erasers to the naughtiest pupil in class. Now, that was the real school! The real deal.

 I couldn't' really remember as to when my heart's desire fully switched direction. I was sure though that it happened gradually. And so one day, I did not come as surprise anymore when I realized I was already decided about becoming a teacher one day.

The epitome of a really good teacher to me as a grade school pupil was no other than Mrs. Reynita Marcelino, my Grade 2 adviser. Not necessarily because she always told my mother I was a real gem but mere because she was the gentlest teacher in the school.

Even when alone, I imagined myself having a chalk, an eraser, a meter-long stick, on a blouse-and-pencil uniform and high heels, and wearing a red or pink lip stick moving about the classroom. Sometimes I caught myself actually speaking like a teacher to myself.

As a matter of fact, I always did some sort of monologue just like when I entertained myself with a heavy drama scene in Mara Clara and an impressive newscasting by Korina Sanchez, Kristine Bersola and Jenny Alejandro. You guessed right! Like mother like daughter they say.

Apparently, my mother did a serious business and really good job in grooming her girl a jack-of-all-trades. At 2, I already displayed a relative singing prowess. Before, I even entered grade school; I already memorized "All things Bright and Beautiful".

A little wonder I was already a declamer at grade 2. In fact, I joined a literary and musical competition for the Lake Sebu District Meet 1994 at Lake Sebu Central Elementary, Poblacion, Lake Sebu, South Cotabato. I was in Grade 3 and only 9 years of age then, which made me the youngest and seemingly odd entry of our school's delegation to the said district meet.

I had to represent the school in four competitions on the same evening: English and Filipino categories for vocal solo and English and Filipino categories for the declamation. Boasting aside, I was the grandslam winner to bag all the champion prizes for the evening. I was such an actress and a singer at the same time. I did not even realize it was so much at that time.

When I went home, my whole family was weeding the church ground. As the sight of them, I shouted at the top of my lungs. "Mang!... Damo-damo ko dala nga dulsie!" And I generously lavished on my siblings and churchmates all my candies.

The district supervisor who cried and was overwhelmed by my declamation "Ulilang Lubos" gave me a monetary reward which later got me a dress exactly the same as my best friend Rose May's. But what seemed to matter to me the most were the four bags of candies. I even wondered seeing my mother teary-eyed when I told her everything I got into during the meet.

Although it would seem I could have gotten myself confused at times about what I really wanted to be due to my being a jack-of-all-trades, I was still certain I was going to be a teacher. I honestly had some childish illusions though.

During high school, I reached the first most crucial decision-making stage of my life. Aside from becoming a teacher, there was a specific, silent desire tugging at my heart which had been there for already quite a long time. Although deep inside, I was already crystal clear about what it was, it was my outright decision to keep it unspoken otherwise, it might be realized. All the while, I had it buried so deeply that no one found me out.

Embarking on my quest of becoming an English teacher, I found myself finally enrolled at Mindanao State University General Santos campus. And for the first time, I found myself an intimidated valedictorian in the midst of oh-so-many achievers from places all over Mindanao.

Academic achievement then only seemed to be as commonplace as singing is among the church people. Blagz! And it somehow occurred to me I was no good, after all! It was when I started searching the scriptures more than ever, and asked the Lord to search me from the inside.

And then I heard of Mr. Rick Warren, got a copy of his best-selling The Purpose Driven Life book and began reading it on a fluctuating 'regular' schedule. The book had helped me see my real self somehow. But my deepest heart-and-soul searching happened when one of my older brothers died for electrocution.

Amidst mourning, I discovered there was something I buried there! I just divulged it to one friend anyhow. I continued schooling doing so-so with my grades, joining university choral in first year and the university theater in my second year, desperately trying to prove I was really good at something.

Nevertheless, I ended up still looking for contentment for my little adventures. Two years rolled out so quickly less memorable compared to the previous 10 years of incredible academic achievements.

Now, I really needed a renovation if I were a building; a rearrangement if I were a closet; and a brush and iron if were a hair. There's just something I need to get me done! Then there was a National Youth Conference held at Acharon Sports Complex, General Santos City.

Through the lectures and sermons, the old conviction I had as a young girl knocked on my door so vividly I couldn't afford to let it slip off my palm this time. With the earnest prayer of surrender, I made one of the most priceless decisions in my life.

That decision paved the way to my graduation from a theological school and my third time to deliver a valedictory address on March 2007.

Assigned in a Youth ministry thereafter, I was also given the bonus to fulfill my secular education and got my second Bachelor's degree on April 2010. And due to the four years of 'school absence', I was disqualified for a flying color upon graduation. Although, it gave me the slight pain because I thought I really deserved it, it did not matter so much anymore.

I made it to graduation, and I don't really deserve anything. Yes, even that! It's all by His grace, I've gone this far. Not to mention I was hired before graduation. But, after 6 months in a call center industry, I'm now more than certain about what it is that I really don't want to be in this life. You don't even have to guess what it is, do you?

And now, after everything I have gone through in my 25 years of existence, I'm now all the more sure of what I really want to be. Now that I think I'm grown up, I'm happy I have been what I really should wish the most in life.

Guess what? This is the first time I'm telling the public this: "All my life I only want TO BE A GOOD DAUGHTER both to my heavenly Father and my earthly parents". And then I think becoming a good teacher and becoming right with everyone and in everything else will just follow.

So, what do you think you want to be?